It looks like team Moneyline Loser will get its first fantasy loss this week, dropping to 4-1.

Last week, I entered the Monday Night game needing about 40 points and Aaron Rodgers gave me 65. Yes, our league gives points for successfully putting on your uniform and helmet as well…

Either way, this week the epic run comes to an end as I’m leading by 0.5 points going into the Monday Night game but my opponent has Thomas Jones while I have no one. So, unless Jones gets abducted by aliens, I’m pretty much fucked. And since Jones is playing against my Dolphins, it means that he’ll run for 800 yards and 12 TDs. Great times..

A hearty Fuck You goes out to DeAngelo Williams, Santonio Holmes, Marion Barber and especially Chris Cooley for giving team Moneyline Loser absolutely nothing this week. Fuck you guys with a rusty steak knife…especially you Cooley. Go get fucked twice a day.

A special Fuck You as well for Baltimore’s defense (which I ironically started) for giving Carson Palmer that last touchdown. My opponent who started Palmer really appreciated that. Oh, and a special FUCK YOU to Cedric Benson. You give me shit last week and this week (while your ass is on my bench) you decide to break Baltimore’s streak of not allowing 100-yard rushers? The FUCK is your problem man???

Christ in a hand basket. This is why I said that I would not give a shit this year. Fuck this. I’m 4-1 and that should be good enough for now…

* image courtesy of phun.org

* opens MMQB*
* loses faith in humanity *
* becomes an alchoholic *
* stabs a Smurf *
* kicks a Whale *

1. The Giants might or might not be the best team in football, but I can tell you this: They’re the deepest.

And here I was thinking that SI’s leading football writer could tell me which team in his opinion is the best in football right now…

2. The Saints look like the best team in football. The Giants, Colts and Vikings might be too, and Denver and Baltimore and New England … well, proclaiming a best team is a foolish pursuit on Oct. 5.

Remember that this is the same man that had no problem ranking the Bears 6th after week one, after they lost thanks to 4 Jay Cutler interceptions….

“So I had a couple of beers in me,” Payton told me over the weekend, “and I start thinking, ‘I make enough money. We really need this guy. I’m going to offer some of my own money to try to make this happen.’

You might make enough money young mister Payton, BUT DO YOU MAKE STUPID, RIDICULOUS, PETER KING TYPE MONEY??

Now let’s do a mini-analysis of the biggest decision of the off-season, Denver dealing Cutler for two first-rounders and Kyle Orton. It reminds me of the Patriots dealing Drew Bledsoe in 2002 and handing the quarterback job long-term to Tom Brady.

In other words…Kyle Orton = Tom Brady.

Now, I’m not saying (and McDaniels wouldn’t either) that Orton’s going to morph into Brady, but the amount of negative plays at the quarterback position has been exactly what McDaniels has preached: zero interceptions, zero lost fumbles, six sacks. If Orton continues on his present pace — 3,624 passing yards, 20 touchdowns, 59 percent passing (that should be a tick better) — the Broncos will be playing in January.

Last season, Jay Cutler threw for 4,526 passing yards and had 25 touchdowns to go along with a 62.3% completion percentage. The Broncos did not make the play-offs because their defense was easier to score on than Paris Hilton. For the Broncos to be playing in January this season, their defense needs to keep up what they have been doing the past 4 weeks.

4. The Titans have lost as many games in 24 days as they did in five months last year. They’re 0-4.

BUT WE SHOULD STILL HAVE HOPE!!

How can you not love this game tonight?

I can only imagine how soiled your underwear is going to be…

1. New Orleans (4-0). OK, OK. I blew this one big-time in May. Putting the Saints 24th in my offseason power ratings totally discounted the impact Gregg Williams would have in rebuilding the defense of this team. That’s a tough, tough D.

Didn’t you just say that it was foolish to call one tea the best team in football on October 5th? I’m confused…

9. Pittsburgh (2-2). I’m not sure where to put the Steelers. They’re sixth defensively after four weeks, but does the sixth-ranked defense in football allow a good offense to track-meet downfield on them for 79-, 67- and 54-yard touchdown drives in the last 20 minutes of a game?

They are statistically the 6th best defense after 4 games in the 2009 season. We’re not talking about the 2000 Ravens here (yet).

Stat of the Week

Forty percent of the Green Bay active roster has never met Brett Favre. Of the 53 players eligible to dress for the Packers in the Metrodome tonight, 21 joined the team after Favre’s departure in March 2008.
Add eight practice-squadders and two of three injured-reserve players who weren’t on the team in Favre’s last season there, and Favre would have a pretty strange time if he walked in to the Green Bay locker room at these days. He wouldn’t know 31 of the 64 players in there.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, reason number 8659429 that I hate this man…

Champ Bailey, CB, Denver
Money players like Bailey do what he did in the final 30 seconds of the aforementioned tight game with Dallas. On third-and-goal from the Denver 2, Tony Romo threw a slant in the end zone to Sam Hurd; Bailey knocked it away. On fourth-and-goal from the Denver 2, Romo threw another slant to Hurd in the end zone; Bailey reached around him to knock it away. For the game, Bailey was back to his old wily self, with eight solo tackles and four passes broken up. For those who thought Bailey was in decline, think again.

* Knock knock *
Dave: “Who’s there?”
* Sample *
Dave: “Sample who?”
* Sample Size *
Dave: Go away stupid sample size, no one cares about you!

Yes sir, let’s conclude that Bailey is not declining after he had 1 great game in week 4. Yep, let’s base that on one game against Tony Romo and those amazing Dallas Cowboys receivers like Roy Williams and Sam Hurd.

5. (tie) Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore. He’s a Mark Clayton drop from being third on this list.

Shouldn’t he be third on the list then since it was NOT HIS FAULT THAT CLAYTON DROPPED IT?

Shameless Monday Morning QB Book Promotion of the Week

Just what you’ve been waiting for (and an inexpensive Halloween gift for that special someone): MMQB the book.

If anyone gives you the MMQB book as a gift….please hit that person in the face with a blunt object because he or she hates your guts and wants you to fail in life.

It reprises some columns from the first 12 years of MMQB — I know you can’t wait to re-read the one about the death of our dog — with some new lists and opinions and other sundry observations.

Golly Gee Whiz. I’ll only read about the death of your dog if you promise to ignore one of the most controversial games in league history! Oh oh oh, does it contain more airport poop stories?? I so can’t wait!

10. Tony Romo. I know, I know. I like him more than the average American male.

THAT’S BECAUSE HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN SMILING!

a. Why, FOX, why? Why show the top 10 plays of Brett Favre’s career? How many celebrations of his career have you done, and how many more will you do? What possible relevance do the top 10 plays of his career have this weekend?

Don’t you get it Fox? Stupid and unnecessary Favre love is reserved only for Peter! How dare you touch what is rightfully his??

g. I could have sworn I could read David Garrard‘s mind while he shredded the Titans on Sunday. His mind was saying, Mr. Weaver, we don’t need no stinkin’ Tebow.

Yes, leave Tebow for the Browns and their first overall pick. Or the Rams… whatever..

h. Wow. Did you see that handshake between John Harbaugh and Bill Belichick? Harbaugh belichicked Belichick! Gave him the dead-fish handshake that Belichick has given Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan.

HOW DARE HE!!

* faints from the outrage *

i. I really like Steelers returner Stefan Logan, who’s 60 percent the player Darren Sproles is … at about 10 percent of the cost.

That sentence made 0 percent sense…

5. I think New England could have the quirkiest schedule a team has ever faced. It opened the season against the 0-0 Bills, the 1-0 Jets, the 2-0 Falcons, the 3-0 Ravens and now gets the 4-0 Broncos … and then against what could be the 0-5 Titans (if they lose to Indy this week) and the 0-6 Bucs (if they lose to Philly and the Panthers).

* swallows led pipe *

Again folks, this is what SI’s leading writer brings to the table. Amazing…

7. I think Pete Carroll‘s going to stay married to college football. I’d be surprised if he took a pro job in the near future. I talked to Carroll the other day about Mark Sanchez, and he made an interesting comment about how he noticed a lot of teams are hiring lesser-known coaches (San Francisco, Tampa Bay) and not paying them as much as the veteran proven NFL coaches … and they’re not being very patient with them. His point, pretty simply, was this: Why should I give up a great job in a place I love for a speculative job that could crash and burn in the first year?

Really, you mean to tell me he does not want to walk away from one of the greatest jobs in sport? The man is reaching legendary status as the coach of USC. He can recruit just about any player he wants to come play for him and his team is in the national title hunt EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

He gets to hang out with Will Ferrell and send players like Carson Palmer, Reggie Bush and Taylor Mays to the NFL. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD HE LEAVE THAT to coach in the brutal NFL where parity rules and where spoiled millionaires (T.O, Merriman, Vick, Moss) drive coaches insane??

c. Ricky Williams, 35 Miami touchdowns. Jim Kiick 28, Mercury Morris 29. Does that stun anyone else?

Ricky was Miami’s entire offense after the trade from New Orleans. He had a few great seasons where he put up awesome numbers but he couldn’t stand the beating his body was taking and walked away from the game.

He may have become a joke in the meantime and his departure sank Miami that year, but the man was one of the best running backs in the game at that time. One can only imagine what his career numbers would be right now if he didn’t miss those years in between…

a. Buffalo’s run D, which has allowed 472 yards in the last two games. Stunning.

It’s almost as if they’re defense is depleted by injuries…

h. The Rams were down 35-0 with 14 minutes left. Sad. No question they’ll have to be in the Bradford-McCoy derby next April.

What?? No Tebow??? The outrage!

Ah fuck it… I’m spent. ‘Till we meet again grasshopper…


* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored

Fuck it, let’s get this party started…

When Sports Illustrated hired Peter King to cover the National Football League, the magazine was the sole window onto the sports world for millions of people and Tom Brady was just another 12-year-old fan of the San Francisco 49ers, who were months removed from their third Super Bowl title.

And Brett Favre was just a 19-year old by, working the land and just “having fun out there”.

Yet even amid the dizzying transformation of media and sports, Mr. King has maintained virtually unrivaled access to NFL personnel, and influence on among fans. Besides his role as a senior writer at Sports Illustrated, he appears on NBC’s weekly “Football Night in America,” has a regular show on Sirius NFL Radio and Tweets.

Anyone that Tweets that the Browns have to take Tim Tebow first overall should not be allowed to Tweet anymore. Oh and by the way, eat dick Shanoff.

But none of those jobs has the juice of his Web column.

But none of those jobs has the juice that a King-Jeter-Favre threesome has…

For the past 12 years, Mr. King has been writing “Monday Morning Quarterback” for Sports Illustrated’s Web site. What began as a repository for what didn’t make it into the magazine, now attracts two million readers a week. The column is a blend of inside-the-locker-room scoop and Mr. King’s musings on everything from training-camp traditions to coffee and his daughters’ high-school sports exploits.

And about getting a colonoscopy. And about taking huge dumps at the airport. And about stealing a baseball from an innocent kid. And about tourists that dare to take pictures while in New York. And about boycotting hotels. And about how much better his life is than yours…

Later this month Sports Illustrated will publish “Monday Morning Quarterback: A fully caffeinated guide to everything you need to know about the NFL,” a compilation of Mr. King’s best columns interspersed with several new features including a ranking of his top 100 players.

You should see how he ranks the top 10 quarterbacks of all-time. It will make you punch your own mother.

The Wall Street Journal: When did you first have an inkling the “Monday Morning Quarterback” column was big, that perhaps you’d become more closely associated with the column than anything else you’ve done?

When people started to read it solely for the purpose of ripping it to shreds??

Peter King: Until three or four years ago, I was totally unaware of how many people read the column or how many people would react, except when I would write something that would be sort of away from the mainstream. One of the things that has both kind of inflamed people and sort of attracted people is when I have written over the years about some personal thing. There was a very big playoff weekend in 2001 when the Patriots had the infamous tuck-rule win. It just happened that a couple of days before, our dog had died. I ended up writing about 2,000 words on the death of my dog. The amount of mail we got, about 70% was “I had a dog, too, and he died.” About 30% was “You bleepety-bleep. You write 2,000 words about your dog and 200 about the Patriots. What do we care?”

And this surprises you? Look, I love dogs. When my dog dies, I’ll be a quivering wreck and I’ll probably start doing heavy drugs. BUT I WON’T WRITE 2000 WORDS ABOUT IT IN MY NATIONAL FOOTBALL COLUMN. Simmons wrote a separate article for when his beloved dog passed away if I’m not mistaken.

If you must write about your dog, ask SI for a separate column. Don’t write 2000 words about your dog and only 200 words about ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL GAMES IN NFL HISTORY. YOU GET PAID TO WRITE FOOTBALL!

It wasn’t for maybe three or four years that I really started to put in a good chunk of personal stuff, like high school field hockey and things like that. The reaction right away was huge. I remember I wrote about a five-overtime field hockey game my daughter played in, just the incredible, heart-stopping drama. That’s when I knew how much people cared.

A few people care about your daughter’s field hockey exploits. The rest hates it to the point where they don’t even read you anymore.

The Wall Street Journal: Is it true that you offered to give back some of your salary to save jobs at Sports Illustrated?

Mr. King: It’s something I did but I really don’t want to talk about it. But I will say this: I make a ridiculous amount of money. I’m not saying I’m not worth it. But I make a stupid amount of money. Sometimes it seems a little absurd considering what’s happening in our business.

LOOK AT ME. I MAKE STUPID, RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY. I LAUGH AT THIS BAD ECONOMY!

God, I really hate this man…

The Wall Street Journal: In the book, you offer up the stories behind your 20 most unforgettable articles. What story did you most enjoy doing?

I’d bet the mortage that this has to do with Favre..

Mr. King: Probably spending a week inside the Green Bay Packers in 1995. That was really the pre-Internet days and I stayed in Green Bay for a week during the season.

…..yes sir….

It was also fun watching how Brett Favre lived his life. He’d go home and help his daughter with her homework, he’d watch the Discovery channel, the Golf channel, the History channel. He wasn’t watching Seinfeld or whatever. He just was watching stuff you’d be very surprised Favre was watching. He liked to watch a lot of war stuff.

So you mean to tell me that Favre is a regular human being just like everyone else?

OHMYGAWD…FAVRE IS WATCHING TELEVISION!!.. IT’S AMAZING!!111!!! ELEVENTY!!11!

The Wall Street Journal: Who’s your favorite interview?

Favre doing an impersonation of Jeter??

Favre is willing to say things to you that probably the PR guy standing behind him will be rolling his eyes and will be worried about. He’s also willing to talk about other things. He’s an incredibly good mime. He can do Billy Bob Thornton from “Sling Blade” so that you would have absolutely no idea it wasn’t him.

Favre doing Billy Bob was actually my second guess…

The Wall Street Journal: Who’s your least favorite interview?

Mr. King: I don’t speak to T.O. anymore. I just think that life’s too short to talk to nine-year-olds too often.

Burn!

The Wall Street Journal: Have you ever worried you were getting too close to anyone as a journalist?

Mr. King: There have been a couple of times. Sometimes you’ll be at like one of these golf tournaments, and sometimes there will be the opportunity to get a little bit closer and stay at some of these guys’ houses, things that are probably a little bit too much. Those are the things, if I feel myself going a little bit too far, I feel myself pulling back.

Sometimes, when I get the opportunity to be inside Brett’s rectum…I feel myself going a little bit too far…I feel myself pulling back..

You kno what, I’m going to save some of this for tomorrow’s edition of MMQB. My Sunday can’t handle much more of this..

* Image courtesy of I-Am-Bored

Why do I dislike Shanoff you ask? I dunno, maybe it’s his face…maybe it’s the fact that his disgusting love for Tebow rivals that of Peter King and Brett Favre. Whatever it may be, the man just makes me want to swan dive into a pool of pure acid.

* opens DanShanoff.com *
* gets horrible flashbacks *
* kicks a giraffe *
* swallows a fork *
* dropkicks the mail man *

Now….I’m just going to skim over the front page and see what grabs my attention…

Last week was so crazy, so intense… in part, it took the air out of this week’s once-promising match-ups: Cal-USC once seemed like a Pac-10 title game. Now? Ha….

Cal’s Rose Bowl hopes are still riding on this game…

Oklahoma-Miami lost it luster when The U got walloped at VA Tech (if not when OU lost to BYU)…

So, two of the better and more talented teams in college football going at in prime time has NO LUSTER just because one of those two teams lost the week before?? Because going into a rainy Virginia Tech and winning is an easy thing to do. Yes sir, the ‘Canes are nothing!

*The obligatory Tebow watch.

Is his cock firmly placed against your forehead or on your thigh?

As has been the case since Saturday night, TimTeblog.com has been cranking on the Tim Tebow concussion story, relaying the latest news, highlighting the best analysis and explaining how it all fits together.

It fits together when Tebow places his gooch on the back of your neck

But I actually think that Florida can — and will — beat LSU without Tebow, with John Brantley starting at QB. The D is that good. The RBs are that good. The special teams are that good.

Tebow’s gooch is THAT GOOD.

There are “magic numbers” and then there are “reality numbers.” (Damn, I should have started today’s SN column with THAT line.)

Damn, I never should have opened this page…

Speaking of Tebow, I was thrilled to hear Urban Meyer talking about how Tebow is taking his rehab seriously — what I’d like to hear more about is Tebow’s willingness to sit for a few weeks to ensure he is as recovered as he can be. I’m still hearing a lot of hopefulness that Tebow can play vs. LSU. I hope that that is nothing more than gamesmanship by Urban.

What I’d like to hear more about about is Tebow’s willingness to sit on my lap for a few weeks…

If the Dolphins are so unsold on Chad Henne that they feel they need to bring in Tyler Thigpen, perhaps Henne isn’t the solution. (More realistically, they see White as nothing more than a Wildcat specialist, and they needed a “pro-style” backup QB in case Henne struggles or gets hurt. But you get the sense that the rest of the season is a tryout for Henne — if he struggles, and the Dolphins continue their pace for a Top 10 draft pick, I presume that Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy will be on the table as options.)

HOW ODD THAT A TEAM WITH ONLY 2 QUARTERBACKS ON THE ROSTER WOULD SIGN A BACK-UP IN CASE ONE OF THOSE TWO GOES DOWN.

Again, we are talking about Henne, a second year guy who’s going to make his first career start and White, who is a rookie. I wouldn’t take it that they are unsold on Henne…but what if he gets hurt this Sunday?? You need some depth even if it’s Tyler Thipgen.

AND OF COURSE THE REST OF THE SEASON IS A TRY OUT… they are fucking 0-3 and going nowhere. Might as well throw your second round pick out there and see if he is indeed the future of the franchise at quarterback.

*The Lions have as good as — or better — record than half the league.

When every team has only played 3 games and a bunch of teams are 1-2 or 0-3…it’s really not that strange.

Oh, and the Braves are catching the Rockies.

Ah, that’s the reason why they shit the bed. Thanks fuck face.

*Tim Tebow is back in Gainesville. Apparently it’s “only” a “minor” concussion. We’ll see. I have a lot of thoughts about that, as you can imagine.

I’m pretty sure that they are lewd thoughts that are Not Safe For Work

*Yes, that includes Brett Favre’s Hail Mary TD to lead the Vikings past the 49ers at the last second. (Although let’s credit Greg Lewis — wow, what a catch.)

No, don’t credit the receiver who made the miracle catch…only credit the old fuck who heaved it carelessly into coverage and hoped for the best.

I nearly took Miami out of my Top 25. Between getting throttled by VA Tech and the win over FSU back to being “hardly quality,” they are non-contenders.

Yes sir, Miami are non-contenders. Let’s make that statement now…let’s not wait until AFTER the Oklahoma game to write that. The Virginia Tech game should have been a gimme… yes sir…

CFB Wrap: Tebow KO’ed (Yes, I Freaked)

That was an insane few minutes. As Tim Tebow lay motionless on the field, I admit to fearing the worst. I have never been so relieved — at least about a sports event — to see him sit up.

It may “only” be a concussion — his “bell rung,” as the team relayed to ESPN; it may be more. The speculation will be rampant. Even a concussion is a big deal. The image of him throwing up while being taken out of the stadium in a cart was, itself, pretty disturbing.

You know what is disturbing….the fact that I’m still reading this shit. Holy hell, I actually rather read Peter King. I feel like apologizing to Peter right now. Fuck me..if I had to choose between reading Shanoff and getting slaughtered by a pitbull…I’d take the pitbull. This is seriously worse than what King puts out.

*So it turns out that Miami was even more overrated than Ole Miss.

FUCK ME… I’m done with this. There are few places in ALL OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL where it is tougher to get a win than at Virginia Tech..especially when the conditions are bad and that they are the “disrespected underdogs”. FUCK YOU SHANOFF.

A podgy skunk gorged itself so much on bacon sarnies that it’s had to be put on a strict veggie diet.

Mr Bumble’s love of the pork life resulted in him ballooning to a dangerous 6.35kg (one stone) – double the ideal weight for a healthy skunk.

Holy fucking shit that is awesome. The fat skunk is called Mr. Bumble’s and he became tubby because he ate too much bacon. My mind can’t handle so much awesomenesss in such a short period of time. AARRGGGG…. HE IS CALLED MR. BUMBLE’S!!! I’m going to crawl into a hole and cuddle with it. (No, I probably won’t).

Either way, back to the usual depressing crap. Remember that universal rule I told you about in my last post, the one that requires me to be unhappy when it comes to sports? Well, didn’t that just jump up and rape me in the testicles again…

The Braves were rolling along nicely, winning game after game and suddenly they found themselves 2 games out of the NL Wild Card lead with 6 games left. Time to see rainbows and bunnies and to have hope right?

Wrong. Wrong like Peter King on Monday Mornings. I wrote that post, the Braves promptly lost the next two games (both by 1 run) and I open SI.com right now just in time to see that Colorado has just clinched the NL Wild Card. Awesome. Fuck me twice.

Whatever. Having no hope is doing wonders however for Team Moneyline Loser. I’m 3-0, the only undefeated team in the league and I should probably be picking random fights on the message boards but I’m playing it cool. Like I said, I wear long-sleeved shirts under short-sleeved shirts under long-sleeved shirts.

But hey, speaking of SI, let’s have a look at Twinkie the Kid’s weekend picks…

* lowers expectations *
* stabs self in thigh *
* yells at squirrel *
* gets into a knife fight with the aforementioned overweight skunk *

Detroit Lions (1-2) at Chicago Bears (2-1)

Matt Forte‘s yards-per-rush in his three starts so far: 2.2, 2.2, 3.1. Just plain weird.

Weird that a good player is having a bad start to the season. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS.

Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) at Cleveland Browns (0-3)

I can’t for the life of me come up with one scenario that has the Browns winning this game.

Yes, because the Bengals are the ’85 Bears. Wait, didn’t you think last week that  the Lions had a shot of beating the Redskins?? If the Lions can muster a win against anyone, I’m sure that the Browns might be able to beat the Bengals in some sort of alternate universe as well. I’m not saying that it will happen…but it’s fucking athletic competition…you know….where stranger things have happened.

Dallas Cowboys (2-1) at Denver Broncos (3-0)

I don’t care that the Broncos have played two totally inept offenses the past two weeks (Raiders, Browns). The fact they’ve allowed 16 points in their 3-0 start is the most impressive single statistic of September.

I don’t care that the Broncos played against a team of dead canaries, the most impressive thing is that they won that game!

Seattle Seahawks (1-2) at Indianapolis Colts (3-0)

Last week, Aaron Curry looked like the force Tim Ruskell drafted him to be. The only chance Seattle has at Indy, with or without Matt Hasselbeck, is Curry turnstiling left tackle Charley Johnson two or three times and strip-sacking Peyton Manning the way he did Jay Cutler last week.

Or you know, the Seahawks could just put together a complete team effort and just outplay the Colts. But hey rookie linebacker Aaron Curry…if your team has ANY chance to win, it’s ALL UP TO YOU!

New York Giants (3-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)

Now, we don’t normally write about gambling in this column, which I fully support. But I did sneak a peek at the odds for this week’s ballgames, and I did notice the Giants were nine-point favorites here. I think someone in Las Vegas made a mistake. Is that a nine-point spread for the first quarter? If so, it’s a credible line.

Stupid degenerate gamblers! There will be no mention of that filth in this column. Just go back to your home on gambling and cock-sucking island. Peter King is a noble gentleman that feels dirty just by typing the word “gambling”.

Buffalo Bills (1-2) at Miami Dolphins (0-3)

Trent Edwards is always good (92.0 career rating) against the Dolphins, who will be feeling their way with first-time starter Chad Henne. On a side note: Now that’s real mature, T.O.

Terrell Owens. The picture of stability and maturity. Who would have thought that he’d bring some distractions with him?? The next thing you’re going to tell me is that good players might struggle sometimes during the season...

Baltimore Ravens (3-0) at New England Patriots (2-1)

How about New England facing a young gun (Trent Edwards, Mark Sanchez, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco) for the fourth straight week?

Holy shit, I’m amazed by a generic fact that no one else cares about! Seriously folks, this is what SI’s leading football writer brings to the table.

St. Louis Rams (0-3) at San Francisco 49ers (2-1)

“How do you like your coffee, Mr. Spagnuolo?” He doesn’t. Not this week, anyway. Glen Coffee: 28 carries, 141 yards, one TD, in relief of Frank (Don’t Call Me Tipper) Gore.

* chokes on own vomit *
* reads the paragraph again, becomes a Budhist Monk.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) at Washington Redskins (1-2)

Jim Zorn walks into FedEx Field on Sunday morning. Turns to his trusted PR man, Zack Bolno. “Funny thing happened the other night,” Zorn says. “You know I live out in the country a little bit, and I woke up about 2 in the morning to what sounded like howling outside. I went to the front door, and there was, oh, I don’t know, maybe 10 or 12 wolves. Just howling. Right on the doorstep. I shooed them away, but it was, well, just weird. Zack, tell me something: What do you make of that?”

THAT YOU DRIVE ME FUCKING INSANE WITH THIS SHIT. Damnit King, is this what you get paid to do???

Tennessee Titans (0-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)

To: The 31 other teams of the NFL.
From: Jeff Fisher.
Re: The 2009 season.

It ain’t over till we say it’s over.

To: CNN SI
From: Dave
Re: Tubby Maguire

Do you even read the shit he puts out? Seriously.. read that Bucs-Redskins paragraph again and please explain to me how this man gets away with that kind of shit.

Green Bay Packers (2-1) at Minnesota Vikings (3-0)

Forget the post-game handshake between Brad Childress and Mike McCarthy. I’m looking for the pregame handshakes between Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, McCarthy and Ted Thompson. Re the game, I see a shootout, with 600 passing yards, and Favre making one more play than Rodgers.

It becomes even more impressive when you consider that Favre will make that play while you are still attached to his limp penis.

Fuck it.. I’m done for today.

I’d love to get to crippling sports betting stories and pathetic fantasy sports shit, but Long John Silver just does not let me.

The thing is, I have a problem and I know that. I just can’t let it go. A normal person can read his drivel, vomit from their eyes and just continue with their lives, but I take the bait. Every single time. It’s sad how weak I am on the inside but that can’t be much of a surprise since my childhood consisted mostly of failure and awkward silences.

Either way, I’ll leave Bennie the Ball alone today and write about……………….

* replays the final 15 minutes of the Dark Knight in head *
* runs around at pretends to be Batman *
* fall from stairs *
* cries like a toddler *
* bleeds internally *
* drinks juice *

*…..still doesn’t know what to write about…. *

You know, I could write something about the teams I root for but for some reason I just can’t. I have mentioned the Braves once, I have mentioned the Dolphins and the Hurricanes briefly but I have never mentioned the Magic.

I used to mention these teams a lot on my old site Blown Coverage but now I can’t really find the right approach to writing about my teams. Yes, I’m one of those douches who refers to a team as “we”, even though I am not employed by them or even live in the same cities.

Either way, when your team is winning and you write about them, you sound like a huge, stinky douche. Everyone will hate you and God will punish your family. That’s just how things work. On the flip side, when my team is losing (fuck you Dolphins), I have absolutely no desire to write about them whatsoever.

Hey look, ‘the Magic lost in the finals to the Lakers. Get fucked Kobe. Hey look, the ‘Canes took a shit against Virginia Tech. Fuck you Beamer. Fuck you in the neck.

So yeah, I really can’t find that balance anymore. I don’t want to feel like an excited homo (NTTAWWT) when my team is donkey punching their opponents into oblivion, but the energy is barely there to do anything coherent after a gut fucking loss.

I will however mention that I’m enjoying how the Braves are teasing me at the moment. In that Francoeur post that I linked, you can see that I had given up on Atlanta since early July and for good reason. They kept sputtering along, wasting great pitching performances but the bats are suddenly awake again and wouldn’t you know…they’ve won 15 of their last 17 and have a slight chance of making the play-offs.

They trail the Rockies by 2 in the Wild Card with 6 games to go so anything can still happen right? Wrong. By anything I mean that they’ll miss the play-offs by one game and piss on my face when it’s over. Why so pessimistic you ask? Well, it’s because I’m not allowed to be happy when it comes to sports.

Yes, it’s all about ME. Things like talent, management, coaching, schedule, luck and execution have NOTHING to do with it. Nope. It’s all me. Since I’m a Braves fan, you can bet your ass that they will fail like Peter King on a treadmill.

And even there I am torn. As a fan, which is worse, rooting for a 1-15 Miami team as they get raped every week in every possible way or watch the Braves mount a heroic comeback only to miss the post-season by one or two games? I don’t know, both hurt and both make me want t fist fight a donkey.

Fuck it. Maybe I am just better off picking on Tubby Maguire after all…

I’d rather get punched in the cock for 12 straight hours than to go through another shit storm like that. I’m afraid to even open Monday Morning Quarterback today because odds are that it’s just 6 full pages of Peter King achieving orgasms while replaying  Favre’s throw to Greg Lewis in his head.

* btw, why the fuck do I root for the Dolphins? Christ, what a pathetic team. 3-13, here we come.

* opens MMQB. Doesn’t dare to look…. *

How’d Brett Favre get that ball in there? How’d Greg Lewis get both feet down inbounds?

They both channeled their inner Jeter.

New Vikings hero Greg Lewis will have a place in the Favre history book — even if he wasn’t supposed to be in the game.

That’s not as impressive as Peter, who has a place in the Favre rectum.

The Vikings may be playing a risky game with Favre, who turns 40 in two weeks, because they don’t know if he can last the full season at his age. But they’ve now officially won one more game than they’d have won with either Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson playing.

The Vikings are not winning because of Favre. When you have Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, a sweet offensive line and a defense that boasts Jared Allen and the Willams Wall, you will win plenty of games even with a mediocre quarterback. It doesn’t mean that Favre is any good…it means that Sage and Tarvaris are diarrhea.

That’s because Favre pulled a Favre — he threw a 32-yard touchdown pass to Lewis at the back of the end zone with two seconds left to beat the 49ers.

That’s because Favre pulled it out of his ass. Come play-off time, that pass will get intercepted and every Vikings fan alive will be waiting to stab Favre in the chin. Heaving a ball into coverage and having a no name receiver amazingly catch it and stay in bounds does not make you a great quarterback… it makes you a lucky piece of shit who holds the NFL record for interceptions thrown.

“Just before we left the huddle,” Lewis said, “Brett told us, ‘Stay alive.’

Stay alive fellas, the only things that will be dying today are Dave’s hopes and dreams. Serves him right for rooting for the Dolphins.

Favre picked out Lewis because he had two steps on his man, and because desperate times call for desperate decisions.

Because that’s what he always fucking does. Carelessly heave it into coverage and hope for the best. Yesterday he got lucky. Just wait ’till the NFC Championship game when that pass gets picked off by Aaron Ross.

Inside Football Note of the Week: Dallas Clark’s value to the Colts skyrockets.

I would highlight this entire piece but it’s just too long. Peter basically tries to show us how valuable Dallas Clark is to the Colts and how Manning balances his throws between Clark and Reggie Wayne. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MANNING LIKES TO THROW TO HIS BEST TWO RECEIVERS ON THE TEAM???

I haven’t even been to bed yet, and I can’t wait ’til Sunday.

That sentence is fucking ridiculous.

New York Jets (3-0) at New Orleans (3-0). Because this is FOX’s doubleheader week, and this game is a CBS game, it won’t go to much of the country. A pity. These might be the two most intriguing teams in the league after three weeks.

HOW DARE THEY NOT SHOW MARK SANCHEZ TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY???

(Monday night) Green Bay (2-1) at Minnesota (3-0). The big storyline: Ryan Longwell tries to exact revenge on the Packers, who allowed him to leave the team he loved. Or something like that.

The big storyline: Favre’s dick is lodged so far down Peter’s throat that it tickles his kidneys.

3. Minnesota (3-0). Interesting Fine Fifteen nugget: Favre’s current team is third, his old team is fourth, and his former Packers are eighth.

And I’m currently depressed.

10. San Diego (2-1). This just in: Philip Rivers is really, really good. He threw two picturesque bombs, a 55-yarder to Vincent Jackson, a 47-yarder to Malcolm Floyd, and now has 739 passing yards in the last two weeks. That’s Fouts-ian.

That’s almost Jeter-ian.

13. Philadelphia (2-1). Don’t you get the feeling Kevin Kolb has gone from liability to legitimate in eight days?

Don’t you get that they played the Chiefs??

15. (tie) Atlanta (2-1). For the first time in a long time, maybe in his 13-month pro career, Matt Ryan played a C-minus game. The stats don’t look that bad — 17 of 28, 199 yards, no touchdowns or picks — but you had to see the game to get the feel of Ryan’s inability to make anything happen. For Ryan, one drive of 60-plus yards in a game is just not normal.

Excellent use of the small sample size Peter. Perfect execution. I dare to call it Fouts-ian.

“Let’s go win the game! Let’s go win the game!”
– Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis, with 60 seconds left at Paul Brown Stadium and the Bengals trailing Pittsburgh 20-15 and Cincinnati with a fourth-and-two at the Steeler 20.

A surprise change-up as Lewis always urges his team to go and lose the game.

Difference Between Baseball and Football Dept.:
On Wednesday, in Kansas City for a series with the Royals, a group of eight members of the Red Sox traveling party — including manager Terry Francona and infielder Kevin Youkilis — spent a couple of hours at the Kansas City Chiefs’ offices and training facility, across the parking lot from Kauffman Stadium. Francona is close to Chiefs GM Scott Pioli from his days in New England, and Pioli visited Francona in the Red Sox clubhouse prior to Tuesday’s game. Youkilis and former major-leaguer Sean Casey, now a part-time TV colorman, kept commenting about the pace and fury of the midweek practice. Said coach Todd Haley: “They were very shocked how physical we were and how hard our coaches coached.”

Whoaaa. Hold on here Captain Crunch. You mean to tell me that football practices are physical and hard-hitting?? No way. The next thing you are going to tell me is that tourists take pictures while in New York…

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I can’t emphasize enough — though I’ve said it a few times in this column over the years — how marvelous train travel is up and down the Boston-New York-Washington corridor. I now take the train on Saturday at different times from Back Bay Station in Boston to Penn Station in Manhattan. Because we had no Saturday obligations at NBC this weekend, I took the regular Amtrak train at 4:45 p.m. from Boston to New York, stopping at the Kingstons and New Londons, and when we got into the little train station in Old Saybrook, Conn., just off Long Island Sound, there was a slight sunset struggling to be seen through the cloud cover.

Four placid hours, having a couple of Heineken Lights and banging through some elements of this column. I think you could save 60 or 90 minutes by taking the Delta shuttle, but then you wouldn’t see the people walking on the seashore where Rhode Island meets Connecticut in a part of the country not many people know.

Don’t you love it when he dedicates two paragraphs to illustrate how much better his life is than yours?? Perfect. Favre-ian.

One is a Factoid That May Interest Only Me: At one point, the same lawyer represented Barry Switzer, Jerry Jones and Larry Lacewell of the Cowboys. The lawyer’s name was Larry Derryberry. They once dined together — Barry, Jerry, Larry and Larry Derryberry.

SI’s leading football writer folks. In mid-season form….

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 3:
a. I’d expect both LaDainian Tomlinson (ankle) and Shawne Merriman (groin) to play for San Diego next week in Pittsburgh.

I expect both men to get eaten by killer whales now.

b. Chargers are 0-13 in Pittsburgh in regular-season games. Strangely, San Diego is 2-1 in Pittsburgh in the postseason.

WHOA. Hold on there Spazzy McGee. You mean regular season success doesn’t transfer over to the post season sometimes??? That’s crazy talk.

f. Three weeks into the season and the Colts have a three-game lead on the Titans.

Nothing says play-off hopes like 0-3!!

g. Did it rain on every football game Sunday, or was it just my imagination?

The Vikes and the Niners played in a dome. And it seemed pretty sunny in San Diego while the Chargers were dry-humping the Dolphins.

i. Jim Mora sounds like he’ll be bringing a kicker (Brandon Coutu?) in this week to challenge Olindo Mare, who missed 43- and 34-yard field goal attempts on a perfect weather day in Seattle. “No excuses for those,” Mora said. “Not acceptable. Not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable.”

BRANDON COUTO NEVER MISSES!!

d. Odd that Ray Rice scored his first NFL touchdown Sunday. Seems like he’s had 10. I’ll tell you this: Offensive coordinator Cam Cameron would take the combined product of Rice and Willis McGahee from Sunday (18 carries, 115 yards, three touchdowns) every game for the rest of his life.

As would every offensive coordinator on earth…

b. Should I watch the Strahan show?

Should I continue reading this God awful column?

c. Courtney Cox must bury her head in her hands when she realizes how her career is being dragged through the mud by this idiotic show about picking up younger men.

If getting dragged through the mud means having shitloads of money…then hells yes, drag me through the mud every day.

d. Adam Dunn‘s career is the most interesting of any player in baseball by far.

Adam Dunn = the most interesting. Jeter = the best of his lifetime. Dave = amazed that this man still has a job.

f. I thought the Yankees couldn’t pitch. They look pretty good to me.

Who would have known that the team with the best record in baseball can pitch a little. Odd…very odd…

g. Swine flu is coming. We’re not even in flu season and I know six people who’ve come down with it.

You heard it here first folks. The swine flu is coming! Ground breaking news by Peter King yet again. Tune in tomorrow when he tells us about a small, upstart company called “Google” and a new music playing contraption called the “iPod”.

i. Hope you’re OK, Tim Tebow. That was a scary thing, a violent concussion.

Get well Timmy. The Browns have the first overall pick and they need you!!!

j. Coffeenerdness: True story in Starbucks in Boston’s South End Saturday morning. Man, about 23, waiting for in long line for his drink, picks up New York Times (without paying), walks into men’s room. Five minutes pass. Man walks out straightening out the paper, puts the paper back in the pile of Times copies, picks up his drink and walks out.

SI football writer gets colonic. Takes massive dump on airplane. Then takes even bigger dump in airport. Walks out and writes about it in national column. American economy takes nosedive.

m. I would have liked to have laughed at least once in the endless Khaddafy spoof that opened the Saturday Night Live season.

I would have liked to have read something valuable in this endless column.

* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored

* checks the Week 3 picks over at SI *

* tries to swallow a plastic bag *
* drinks pure bleach *
* lights self on fire *
* runs naked through heavy traffic *
* reads article about the Buffalo Bills at 1:10 am *

Oh Christ. This is what Frito Bandito has for us today…

New Orleans Saints (2-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-1)

Every time I watch the Saints line up on first-and-10, I see Kurt Warner running the Greatest Show on Turf.

Yes, because Marques Colston is Isaac Bruce, Devery Henderson is Torry Holt and Pierre Thomas is Marshall Faulk.

Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-1)

Ben Roethlisberger walks into the Steelers complex Wednesday morning and says to offensive coordinator Bruce Arians: “Who is this Antwan Odom, and where did he come from?”.

Antwan Odom has played 66 career games and has 22.5 sacks so far. He had an 8 sack season as a member of the Titans in ’07, which made him somewhat wanted when he became a free agent after that season. I’m pretty sure that Roethlisberger knows who he is.

Well actually, with Roethlisberger’s I.Q., Pete might actually have a point here.

Touche Uncle Ben…

Washington Redskins (1-1) at Detroit Lions (0-2)

I don’t care what line Vegas gives this game. I won’t consider this much of an upset. If Matthew Stafford plays efficiently and Kevin Smith gets two more holes than he had against the Great Wall of Minnesota, the Lions will have enough to win.

The Lions have lost 19 in a row and are setting records with their God awful play. They could beat a team of dead pigeons and it still would be considered an upset. Actually running a successful play is considered an upset for them…

Green Bay Packers (1-1) at St. Louis Rams (0-2)

There will be some juice in the Ed Jones Dome for the first home game of the Spags Era, but juice can’t rush the passer.

The Juice won’t be in the Ed Jones Dome. He is currently serving a sentence in an ass-pounding correctional center.

I think Brad Childress will take the wraps off Brett Favre this week, in part because he knows Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt will protect Favre. Weird Stat of the Week: The Vikings are 32nd in the NFL in passing yards (119.0 per game).

As opposed to the past two weeks when McKinnie and Loadholt told Childress that they would not protect Favre. Being a 43-year old turnover machine that just came off of shoulder surgery and who skipped training camp has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Nope, it’s all about McKinnie and Loadholt…

Tennessee Titans (0-2) at New York Jets (2-0)

Only one team in the NFL can afford to go 0-3 this weekend yet still have legitimate playoff hopes, and that’s Tennessee. Having said that, if I’m Titans offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, my gameplan this week has 28 touches for Chris Johnson, because against this weird, unpredictable Jets front, the only way to beat it is to throw a cat-quick back at it. On 28 touches, I’d say Johnson hits two home runs and has a few other gashers. I just don’t think it’ll be enough to win this game.
Prediction: New York Jets 20, Tennessee Titans 17

Yes sir, with the Colts playing prime time (where they usually come through) and probably going 3-0 and the Texans playing the pathetic Jags and probably going 2-1, it’s no problem for the Titans to go 0-3. Nothing says legitimate playoff hopes like 0-3!

And now Peyton Manning and Kurt Warner duel for the last time (barring a Super meeting) in their lives.

I can’t wait ’till I have grand kids and that I can tell them about those epic Manning-Warner duels that my lifetime has seen.

Remember all the folks who said we were overplaying the tough-schedule angle when discussing the 2009 Fish? Well, they’re 0-2, and five of their next six games come against legit playoff contenders (Chargers, Bills, Jets, Saints, Jets, Pats). That’s a schedule being a factor right there.

The schedule is a factor?? Get out of town! The next thing you are going to tell me is that puny things like talent, play-calling, execution and coaching also play a factor..

I’m not saying Matt Hasselbeck is a candidate for MVP or anything like that. But the dropoff from Hasselbeck to Seneca Wallace is like the dropoff from Peyton Manning to Jim Sorgi.

That says more about Seneca Wallace then it does about Hasselbeck.

Good thing Jerry Reese doesn’t listen to media geniuses like me. I railed about the G-men making a big mistake by not acquiring Anquan Boldin before the draft to pair with wideout Steve Smith, saying good general managers need to know when to make moves to get veteran players to help win-now teams win now. So here’s Boldin, with an ouchy hamstring, and the man playing his role with the Giants, Mario Manningham, after two weeks: Boldin, 10 catches, 88 yards, no touchdowns; Manningham, 13 catches, 208 yards, two touchdowns. The season’s young, but touche’, Mr. Reese.

That’s the Peter King curse in action again. It’s beautiful, poetic and it will rape you in the ass without warning.

This is the week to use Baltimore in your knockout pools, America.

Not anymore. The Peter King sign of approval means that this is the week that Baltimore gets raped in the ass, America!

If the Texans are to challenge Indy for the AFC South title, the next four weeks are vital. Jacksonville, Oakland, at Arizona, at Cincinnati. They’ve got to go 3-1 to be serious about winning the division.

Don’t forget about Tennessee. Nothing says play-off hopes like 0-3!!

I’ve had enough of this get-rid-of-Tony Romo crap. It’s ridiculous.

HOW DARE YOU GET RID OF THE GUY WHO LEADS THE LEAGUE IN SMILES??? Since when does a team need a quarterback that doesn’t throw crippling interceptions and who can actually hold on to extra points and lead his team to play-off victories???

Fuck it King, if you keep writing shit like this, I’m never going to write about that hermaphrodite pony who likes to play blackjack!

BTW, team Moneyline Loser is now 2-0 as I had the most points in the league and I beat my opponent by 100 points. Not giving a shit is really turning out great so far…

d. My goal in life is to be a clue in the New York Times crossword puzzle. I’ve never told anyone that, but it’s true.

Luckily, it looks like he got plenty of shit in the inbox following that pathetic and self-centered statement. Take it away TMQB…

From Andrew McGann of Chicago: “Saw your stated desire to be the answer to a clue in the New York Times crossword puzzle someday. Me, too, but you’ve got a better shot! I’ll send [puzzle master] Will Shortz a suggestion ASAP. I’ll suggest this for a clue: ‘Ubiquitous commentator with overt East Coast bias.’ No, that’s too easy!”

Nice. You’re not the only one to suggest that sort of clue — or to suggest that perhaps I write a little too much about teams in Eastern Time.

Or that you write too much about Favre’s musk…
Or about Jeter…
Or about your colon….
Or about whatever God awful coffee you just drank…
Or about how you screwed a poor 8-year old out of a foul ball at a spring training game.
Or about your first class flights…
Or about the fancy hotel you just stayed in…
Or about which movie you just saw that everyone else already saw…
Or about which artist you just “discovered” that everyone else already knew….
Or about how great your life is despite these tough economic times…
Or about what you just ate…
Or about any of that other shit that nobody gives a flying fuck about…

* image courtesy of I-Am-Bored

You know, I’m convinced that this man does this shit on purpose. Fuck me, my brain just committed slow and painful suicide. I feel like fighting an Anaconda…

Read that again. The Browns should take Tebow first overall. Let it sink in. Let it simmer….

* opens a number of mock drafts *

I just quickly looked at about 10 mock drafts and not a single one has Tebow in the top 5. One has him going 8th, one has him going 11th and this one by King’s SI colleague Andew Perloff has Tebow going 13th.

Anrew Perloff – a guy who I’d trust more than Peter when it comes to football- has Tebow going 13th and EVEN THEN HE SAYS THAT IT’S 10 SPOTS TOO HIGH. Yet Beef Wellington here says the Cleveland Browns, a team with more holes than a German snuff movie, should take Tebow 1st.

Let’s rewind here. A player that scouts think is better fitted as a fucking tight end should be taken first overall in the draft by a team that has just committed itself to another young quarterback (Brady Quinn).

Well played Juggs Apatow. Well played….